The Skillz Report

Hey, I Don't Do The Hiring! Go Away! (May 22, 2018)

 

I'm being interviewed for a job at Metro PCS; it's going so-so until I attempt to use their phone and, no matter how slow I go, can't press any buttons properly without an employee's help. A fellow applicant buddies up to me for some reason, even following me to a computer lab after the interview and plopping down to my right.

In the lab, I play a baseball game as the Baltimore Orioles vs. the Texas Rangers (even though the commentary covers the Cubs and Phillies). INV Oriole Jason Stokes hits a grand slam off Texas ace Cole Hamels; throughout the game the applicant keeps trying to "help" me with cables, my mouse, etc. even though I don't need any—the idea of working with this guy doesn't sit well.

 

So the next day, I return to Metro and withdraw my candidacy, but now my IRL cousin works there and needs a ride so I stand by. But when I go to pee, a staffer is hogging the john for a private phone call—apparently my cousin had the same problem, since she emerges from the back having wet herself. I still drive her home...but not before repossessing my clipboard from the stalker dude, who'd intentionally kept it for clearly creepy reasons.

 

 

Unintentional Grounding (May 20, 2018)

 

Once again, it's Law & Order: SVU. A gal is being interrogated by Stabler and Benson hard, until she finally cracks and confesses—the two detectives are left out of breath while the nameless assistant D.A. sobs at the drama.

Next, Alex and I visit my INV regular sandwich shop, then go to a park and set up a tiny football field (about 20 yards wide and 30 long). Shortly after play starts with some random scragglers, a drunk female crashes her convertible against a tree on the park's outskirts—torpedoing her body forward about 100 feet and literally smashing her skull on the ground. Somehow she still lives.

Alex and I return to the sandwich shop, where she buys me a sundae. However, the staff's whispers indicate I'm the one responsible for that woman's crash—they seem reluctant to serve me but finally do. "She crashed! She wasn't playin' no football!" I declare to all within earshot. Of course, I'm looked at like a psycho and not responded to. But I down that sundae!

 

Next, I'm visited by Chicken and his wife Emi, who wants to stop for meat. There is a new traffic light on the way that won't budge—I lose patience and run it, and though they're silent, I can FEEL the "WTF" from my friends. Yeah, guys: I'm a badass.
Emi searches for a good ground turkey deal and her husband is not happy with the extended price comparing. When they finally reach the counter, the joking butcher/cashier asks $5K for the meat. Chicken, still peeved, says nothing, so I step in and break the awkwardness with my own joke...which of course the butcher ignores. Well, f--- you too.

 

Outside the store, a bum tries to swap a pile of clothes with me for money. When I refuse, my buddy Juan turns up and chastises me: "Goodwill won't take third-hand stuff!" implying I'm this guy's only hope at converting the clothes into cash. I'm not moved.

 

 

Bruh, What Happened To Fist-Bumps? (May 19, 2018)

 

Actress Kim Coles of Living Single fame is now divorced and going by Kim Safagate. At one point INV she'd blown up to 600 pounds, but is now fit and in a new sitcom set in the past, but with futuristic technology—think The Flinstones with IPhones.
In one scene, Kim's husband is heading to work. He kisses her goodbye, then—not knowing what else to do—awkwardly kisses the ear of his homie goodbye as well.

 

Also, my child escapes from my mother's smoking car on her bike, pedaling around me on a cul-de-sac without bothering to report what just transpired.

 

 

When A Plan DOESN'T Come Together (May 18, 2018)

 

The film-version A-Team are fighting an Asian army as well as Asian businessmen during a banquet. From under the table, Hannibal attacks with flamethrowers and the team gains the upper hand...temporarily; assuming he's been killed, the team abandons Hannibal in a dark, rainy mud patch.

When the enemy tries to capture him, Hannibal shouts "Nobody's looking for me!!", dissuading their effort just like that. Eventually he staggers to a house where a family reenergizes him with soup. 

 

Things close with a bizarre Three's Company opening featuring the late actress Peggy Rea and some weird alien creature posing with the regular gang at the zoo.

 

 

Does He Drive A...Mirage? (May 16, 2018)

 

I'm walking to a park and pass a familiar-looking guy outside a van. "Hey, didn't I buy baseball cards from you earlier this year?" I call to him. He responds by looking me in the eye and slowly dematerializing. That doesn't help my self esteem.
As if I wasn't confused enough, on the park's softball diamond is an SUV with my daughter alone in the open back, not at all harmed or afraid. I guess this is my life now.

 

 

 

One Life To Take (May 23, 2018)

 

One Life To Live character Victor Lord, Jr. owes money to five separate groups—they all show up outside his door after having Lord's checks bounce. I'm on the scene as well, and apparently a Lord supporter of some kind, because when he fails to answer the door and tensions rise, I quickly work to assure them "he's there. He'll pay you. I swear on my kid he'll pay you." (Note: I'd never do that IRL.)

 

Eventually Lord emerges in a bathrobe and doles out cash to all parties; they obviously count it first. Four groups are paid in full, while one declares "29%? I'll take it. But I'll be back." I do not even get a thank-you.

Skip to ex-NBAers Chris Webber and Baron Davis—C-Webb and I are taking on Davis and some other schlub in a game of 2-on-2. I'm initially guarding Baron at the 3-point arc, and for some reason my strategy is to look straight up in the air as he dribbles. As you might expect, he goes around me easily for a hoop.

 

Throughout the game, Webber gets easy shot after easy shot, but passes up many of them for reasons no one can grasp—forcing me to pick up the scoring slack. We still ultimately win, though Webber and Davis walk off wordlessly and leave me there.
Returning to my car, I check my Metro PCS phone while passing a row of brothas using Boost Mobile phones. Not one of them addresses me, obviously because of my phone—they must think I'm a fraud. (Little do they know I don't like talking, anyway!)

 

Next, the San Francisco Giants—managed by Warriors coach Steve Kerr—lose a World Series game to the Boston Red Sox, 5-0. Not helping: INV Giants outfielder Rondell White sat out to attend a Warriors game.

 

Finally, it's a closing scene of That 70's Show: the Foremans and Donna stand on a street corner, with Kitty bringing up several old family memories. Red, frustrated at his failing memory, finally bursts with anger and storms off. Kitty follows him to the middle of the road...topples him over...unzips him...and mounts him, to Eric and Donna's horror.