The Skillz Report

2012 (March 14): Toilet Tub

 

In this vision, the weirdness didn't wait--I walk to my bathroom, then open the door. Behind it is Jason sitting on the edge of my bathtub, obscured by a newspaper but clearly taking a dump. Sitting on the closed toilet is DeMarcus Cousins of the Sacramento Kings, in full uniform and headband, sketching him. For some reason, I'm the embarrassed one, and I jet as quickly as I enter.

 

No sooner than I close the door than a note appears under it, with the words "GET OUT" spelled with clipped magazine letters ransom-note style.

 

While trying to process A) how either of them prepared a note so fast, B) what either of them had to gain by not simply writingthe note, and C) why on Earth any of that was happening, I begin packing my bags for parts unknown.

 

 

2012 (February 4): Denzel's Scenes

 

Tonight's vision begins at 9pm, and my mom is dropping me off at the house of a "friend" like I'm still in 5th grade. I do not know which friend. Surprise!!! 

 

(IRL, I had few friends in 5th grade, and the ones I did have wouldn't have let me in their house. But I'm not here to talk about the past.)

 

As I get out of the car, a strange dude is biking across the street. In pitch black conditions, I have to physically restrain my mother the extrovert from getting out of her car and chatting up this seedy dude (translation: committing suicide-by-creep).

 

Frustrated, I approach the house, where loud music blasts and a large statue looms on the shadowy porch—or so I think. Again, I've never been here before. (Thanks, MOM.) Once I reach the door, I realize the "statue" is actually Denzel Washington, who's been standing motionless on the porch for God knows how long. He tells me he wants to "act out some scenes".

 

You've seen his movies; THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING. Am I gonna get abandoned at the house of murderous gang members? Or is he gonna give me a special stuffed animal after my piano lesson? I'm apprehensive, but this is Denzel Washington, a man who is probably only told "no" when he inquires about a wait at his preferred restaurant.

 

We go inside, where we act out a "scene" in which he angrily chokes me in front of the previous bike creep. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the total lack of cameras. Or crew. Or even a script. Somehow—perhaps fortunately—I keep accidentally injuring him during "taping", and when the other guy reveals he has no idea who Denzel is, he exits in frustration. 

 

Mysteriously, the loud music suddenly ceases as well, as if it was also offended. 

 

 

2011 (February 14): Murdered For Socks

 

My IRL bud Rodel and I are skipping rocks at some serene lake. Which is pretty bizarre in and of itself, but it gets worse.

 

Suddenly, out of the blue, 10 mobsters in full suits (and one in a cowboy hat, for some reason) appear and open fire into Del. They just keep blasting him for what seems like forever. I even look down at my watch, this murder is taking SO long.

 

When they finish, they take off Del's shoes, steal his socks, and put his shoes back on. They then pile into a school bus and head off to wherever they came from. I go to call 911 and reach into my pocket for my phone...until I realize I'm now wearing a dress.

 

It's time for some lifestyle changes.

 

 

2011 (January 11): The Cat In The Hat Dies

 

 

Vision A:

 

I am in line at a very crowded grocery store; all the lines are about 10 deep and they're not moving. Nothing unusual about that—until I gaze around and notice what the waiting customers are doing to pass the time.

 

One MAN has taken it upon himself to knit. A Level 6 on the Weirdness Scale.

 

Nearby, a family is building a tent, having apparently concluded they'll be waiting overnight to pay for their groceries. A Level 7.2 on the Weirdness Scale. 

 

Behind the first man is a woman who came PREPARED for a long wait—she is actually painting a portrait of the cashier and customers. A Level 8 on the Weirdness Scale.

 

Finally, to my right, a man and his pregnant wife are arguing. I don't remember their exchange word for word, but basically the husband wanted his wife to give birth right there in the store, because there are people there who will clean up the mess for free. (Naturally, the wife was not sold on the idea.) A Level 9.3 on the Weirdness Scale.

 

Vision B: I am a police detective, and The Cat In The Hat is my partner. Our assignment is to catch Batman, who has been driving around town with expired tags. Unfortunately, we are unable to even begin our mission, because as soon as we step outside, the Cat In The Hat is melted by the sun. 

 

Ohh-kayy.

 

 

2007 (October 3): The Courtroom On The Diamond

 

I have truly lost it. That is the only explanation I have for this particular night vision. 

 

I am back in high school after a 9-year absence. At some point while in class, I turned on the TV. It was a Padres-Giants game, and a Padre had just been hit in the face by a pitch and was pissed. A bench-clearing brawl ensued, which is not uncommon in baseball.

 

Off to the side, Pads pitcher Jake Peavy—who for some reason is seriously intoxicated—and Giants catcher Eliezer Alfonzo are off to the side; somehow I can hear Alfonzo pleading to Peavy that he "didn't mean to hurt him"—him presumably being the original guy hit.

 

In any event, Peavy socks the crap out of him. Not a single other Giant is coming to his aid. The two of these guys are all by themselves, which never happens in a real brawl.

 

Alfonzo doesn't want to, but has no choice but to swing at Peavy. The punch does little. Peavy throws another serious right hand, dazing Alfonzo, who eventually collapses to the ground face first.

 

Peavy, still drunk, decides to sock him one more time in the back of the head. He swings wildly and misses, loses his balance and falls backward into a trash can in the dugout. I laugh loudly.

 

At this moment the camera cuts back to the main brawl, which is settled down. I don't know if he wanted to finish his sandwich, or was taking a dump, but Giants OF Todd Linden comes running out of the dugout with his dukes up even though by this time everyone else is just standing around. He seems disappointed.

 

(The closing “scenes” are what's making me believe my marbles are lost.)

 

The camera cut to two guys in white shirts running from the outfield, towards the fallen Alfonzo. I assume they are paramedics at first.

Turns out they are the grounds crew, and one of them has a GAVEL.

 

Two more are behind him, running in, carrying a JUDGE'S BENCH AND A WITNESS STAND somehow. Aren’t those things solid oak?

 

Apparently, those in authority have decided to skip the whole process of arresting and charging Peavy. They have also decided to skip the unimportant step of getting Alfonzo medical attention. They are just going to try Peavy right there on the field, with his victim still unconscious on the ground.

 

The camera cuts to an umpire putting on a judge's robe over his uniform.

 

Anybody recommend a good therapist?