The Skillz Report

Annoying Calls

 

(originally written 6/24/15)

 

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Did you just call me?
ME: No.
PERSON: Somebody just called me from a number I don’t recognize.
ME:…did you try calling that number?
PERSON: I should, huh?
ME: (click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hi, is (insert name) there?
ME: No he’s not; you wanna leave a message?
PERSON: No, that’s okay, just tell him I called.
ME:…is that your name, “I”?
PERSON: w-what?
ME: I don’t know who this is.
PERSON: Oh, sorry, this is (garbled).
ME (confused): …got it.

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hey, what you up to?
ME: Nothin’ much. What you up to?
PERSON: Ah, I ain’t doin’ nothin. 
(silence)
ME:…I’m glad you’re breathing and all, but I don’t want to listen to it on the phone.
(click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hey, Skillz, it’s Brad from work. How you doin?
ME: My back hurts, I have nasal drip, and I think this snake bite is starting to get infected.
PERSON: Oh, wow, that sounds rough. Hey, buddy, you think you could come in today for a little bit?
(click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hey, Dave, can you come get me?
ME: You have the wrong number.
PERSON: Shut up, Dave, I know it’s you. I need you to come pick me up.
ME: Seriously, I’m not Dave, you have the wrong number.
PERSON: I’m not in the mood, just quit f----n playing already. I’m at Rick’s, just come pick me up please.
ME (fed up): I’ll be right there.
(click. I go to sleep and turn my phone off)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Who is this?
ME: Why don’t you tell me who YOU are, since you called ME.
PERSON: …put Dwayne on the phone.
(click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hola, soy Roberto González de Espejos y Ventanas y tengo una oferta para el día de hoy, estamos hacienda—
ME: Sir—
PERSON: —un especial en elbarrio de SU 20% de descuento en cualquier compra de $ 200 omás---
ME: Sir, I don’t speak Spanish.
PERSON: Oh. Is Carlos there?
(click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hi, is James there?
ME: You have the wrong number.
PERSON: Is this 408--------?
ME: Yes, it is.
PERSON: Oh. How long has this been your number?
ME: Over two years now.
PERSON: I don’t suppose you know James, do you?
ME: ‘fraid not.
PERSON: Wow. I didn’t know James changed his number. We used to be co-workers and I hadn’t seen him since he got transferred and—
(click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
PERSON: Hey, it’s me, Kelsey. What are you up to?
ME: Oh, hey, Kelsey. I’m on my way to—
PERSON: Hold on. (to companion) The red one. Okay, I’m back. What were you saying?
ME: I was just saying I’m headed over to the c—
PERSON: Just a sec. Wayne, that’s not gonna match, try the other one. Sorry, I’m back.
ME: ...Is now a good time?
PERSON: Oh, yeah, yeah, it is. I’m just carpet shopping with Wayne, sorry. You wanna meet up later?
ME: Sure, after I do a couple things. How does si—
PERSON: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! OH MY GOD, SKILLZ, WAYNE JUST KNOCKED OVER LIKE A WHOLE ROW OF CARPETS!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! YOU SHOULD SEE I—
(click)

 

(ring)
ME: Hello?
AUTOMATED VOICE: PLEASE HOLD FOR THE NEXT AVAILABLE AGENT.
(hold)
AGENT: Hello…Skillz...Savage?
ME: PLEASE HOLD FOR THE NEXT AVAILABLE SAVAGE.
(puts down receiver and goes to play basketball)